A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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