You're a womanizer and a bitch.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
