Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
