allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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