If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
