just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
