So drunk its hurt
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
