i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
