Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
