I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
