I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
