I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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