i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
