The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
