So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
