Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
