laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
