TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
