so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
