this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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