I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
