Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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