i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
