Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
