I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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