I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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