i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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