i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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