There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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