My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
