For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
