i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
