is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
