We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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