I'm jealous of your bromance
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
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