If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You're like the curious george of whores
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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