i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
