so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
