and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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