Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
