I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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