my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
