ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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