I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
