remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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