I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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