Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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