Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's shark week go big or go home
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize