did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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