my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
