Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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