Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
