dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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