Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Enjoy the penises
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
