she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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