I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize