Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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