The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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